80 High-larious Stoner Jokes And Puns for Your Next Sesh

Funny Stoner Jokes
Did you hear about your stoner friend who used your to-do list as a blunt wrap?
He was high on his list of priorities.

What do prime numbers and stoners have in common?
The higher they are, the more spaced out they get.

Why did the stoner put laxatives in the weedbrownies?
For shits and giggles.

Yo mama so short, when she smokes weed, she can’t even get high.

How do stoners propose to one another?
“Marriage, you wanna?”

What’s the difference between an HD TV and a hearing impaired stoner?
Nothing, they’re both a high def.

Knock, knock.
(Who’s there?)
Mary Jane.
(Mary Jane who?)
Mary Jane’s here to lift your spirits!

What’s the difference between a drunk and a stoner?
When driving, a drunk will approach a stop sign and may speed right through it. While a stoner will actually stop and wait for it to turn green.

A stoner, a Jedi, and a surgeon walk into a bar.
Blunt force trauma.

Did you hear about a man’s girlfriend who is a stoner who works at a hotel fixing whatever breaks?
She’s kind of high maintenance.

What is a stoner’s favorite kind of coffee?
Iced Mocha Latte.

Did you hear about the stoner ghost?
He got arrested for possession.

What do stoners and arthritis have in common?
They both inflame joints.

Why are stoners so polite?
Because they always take the high road

Did you hear about the stoner who’s getting a divorce?
Yeah, he’s fighting for joint custody.

What’s a stoner’s favorite instrument?
Bonggos.

A math teacher, a gym instructor, and a stoner all die and go to heaven at the same time.
God warns them that heaven is full and that they must trick the devil in order to be admitted. God summons the devil, who enters and announces himself.
The math teacher tries first and assigns him a difficult equation. The devil solves it in 10 seconds and sends the teacher to hell.
The gym instructor challenges him to 1,000 push-ups in a row without stopping. The devil does not stop, and the gym teacher is cast into hell.
The stoner then says, “Give me a chair with 7 holes carved in it.” The devil hands him the chair. The stoner sits down on it and farts. He asks the devil, “What hole did the fart come out of?” The devil replies, “Easy, the third one.”
The stoner then says, “No, my a$$hole.” And then makes his way to heaven.

Where do stoner cars store their weed?
In potholes.

Recommended: Weed Jokes

What kind of poker do stoner cows play?
High Steaks.

What does a stoner with Parkinson’s disease do in the morning?
Shake and bake.

A cop pulls over a stoner.
The cop looks at him and asks, “How high are you?”
To which the stoner replies, “No officer, the correct way to say it is – Hi how are you?”

What is the stoner thought of the day?
Each time you light your lighter. Your lighter gets lighter.. … Until your lighter gets so lighter it won’t light again.

Why couldn’t Medusa pass a drug test?
She was a stoner.

What do you call a stoner with Down Syndrome?
A baked potato.

What do you call a bunch of stoners in a well?
A pot hole.

What do you call a stoner queen?
A hempress.

A bunch of stoners was tasked with the job of inventing a new sport.
The result was just a bunch of misshapen llamas playing football. When they asked the group of stoners why they decided this to be the new sport, they replied, “We were just sitting there in silence for a long time and then someone said: ALPACA BOWL!”

Recommended: Smoking Jokes

What do you call Geology majors at a university who smoke a lot of weed?
They’re all a bunch of stoners.

How do you address a stoner who is giving you orders?
“Your highness.”

Why wouldn’t they let the stoner on the basketball team?
Because he couldn’t jump high.

What does a stoner do when he sees a space man?
He parks in it.

How many stoners does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, the room is already lit.

How does stoner fish get high?
Seaweed!

A stoner finds a leprechaun who promises to grant only one wish.
The stoner says, “Alright maaan, uhhh, how about…. a joint of the best weed EVER that never goes out or burns up, and I will never gain a tolerance to it.”
The leprechaun replies, “A neverending joint, splendid wish. So great a wish in fact that I will grant you one more wish.”
The amazed stoner says, “Really, another wish, that’s awesome!”
The leprechaun explains, “Sure thing, whatever your heart desires.”
Finally, the stoner says, “I’ll take another one!”

How do you get a stoner to comprehend what you’re saying?
Put it bluntly.

Recommended: Vape Jokes

What do Muslims and stoners have in common?
They both get stoned after smoking weed.

Why is the stoner communist always top of his class?
Because he gets high Marx.

What do you call a stoner who fell down a hill?
Tumble weed.

Why do stoners never miss a greeting?
They’re always hi.

How do you pick a stoner out of a line up?
You simply WEED ’em out.

A stoner walks into an appliance store.
He asks the proprietor, “How much do you want for that TV set in the window?” The owner glances at the television, then at the stoner, and says, “I don’t sell stuff to potheads.”
So the stoner informs the owner that he will stop smoking and return the following week to purchase the television.
A week later, the stoner returns and declares, “I no longer smoke. How much do you want for that TV set in the window?”
“I told you I don’t sell to potheads!” said the owner. So the stoner departs once more. He returns a week later and inquires, “How much for that TV?”
The stoner looks back at the owner and says, “How can you tell I’m a pothead?”
The owner looks back and says, “Because that’s a microwave.”

What do a stoner’s mouth and shirt have in common?
They are both 100% cotton.

How do you call a group of stoners smoking weed on a live stream?
A pot-cast.

What do you call a stoner who is also a nudist?
Smokey the bare.

Why did the stoner tuna always complete its work first?
It was a fish ent.

What do French stoners smoke?
Oui’d.

An old man walks up to a couple of stoners smoking a joint.
He says, “Don’t you know that smoking weed makes you ignorant and apathetic?”
One of the potheads turns to him and replies, “I don’t know, and I don’t care.”

How come you never see stoners jog?
It’s hard on their joints.

What do stoners ride to school?
The cannibus.

What do you call a stoner arsonist?
A highlighter.

What’s the difference between a cookie and a stoner?
Cookies only get baked once.

The US Military confirmed today that an aircraft crash resulted in the deaths of two marijuana users. The tragic incident occurred shortly after takeoff when the aircraft collided with a residential building.
Experts are saying it’s the first recorded instance of killing two stoners with one bird.

Why don’t Mathematician stoners celebrate 4/20?
They already celebrated 1/5.